Updated: May 31, 2021
People always judge me as someone who has struggled with weight, no matter what size I was (fat, thin, or somewhere in between). Over the years, I would get varying opinions on what they thought I should look like, what I should be doing, what I should be eating, and so much more. At fifty-one years old, I don't have time for opinions anymore and say to each of these people, F..k off. It is none of your business. Mind your vibration, and let me mind mine. Thank you.
I understand you may be coming from a good place, but did I come out and ask you to criticize or coach me on what you think may be right? NO! Do I pay you for guidance or advice? NO! So stay in your lane.
What is needed is love, acceptance and acknowledgement as a fellow being, not judgments. After all, who appointed you to the bench? What are your qualifications?
All you are doing when you judge is reinforcing the inner demons held within. Often times, when you past judgments on us, you are causing our subconscious mind to revoke and continue to resist a healthier life.
We all have our own burdens and scars, and you do also. There is no reason to try to hide or deny your shadow side. We all have them, and there is no shame in admitting this divine truth. Once you start to shine light upon this part of you, you can stop the resistance and begin to heal, piece by piece. This is when recovery and life can fully begin.
Growing up, family, schoolmates, and others would call me various names from Big B, Pork Chop, Chicken, Loser, Scab, Fatso, Husky and many others. Who the hell wants to be called after food? I certainly don't. Do I look like something you can eat? I think not! And we certainly aren't at some BBQ party. So let's drop the nickname calling.
Even today, I get called various names. Some are positive and some negative, in nature. But in truth, names are just another form of emotional or mental torture for many people. Names can be another way to bully a person without doing so outright or in some physical manner. This is true whether it is a conscious or subconscious choice.
We all need to be more mindful of what and why we may be calling someone by a nickname. It is time to recognize their actual name (or name of their choosing); this is one way to show them respect. Let me remind you, in case you have forgotten: My name is BRIAN, not Brain, not Big B, and certainly not any other "nickname."
Divinely, I am perfect, whole and complete. Physically (emotionally and mentally), I have gone through stuff as a part of my story that I have carried shame, denied, felt guilty and regretted over the years. But as I learn to love myself, I learn to let the past go and heal.
As I move forward, living life here and now, I allow for the healing of the wounded, torn and shattered child within me to take place. I begin to gather strength from the pages of my past and the courage to speak my truth. I write a whole new story moving forward; one that honours the history and acknowledges the story. Today, I place into the fire the old and worn out energies, no longer serving me. Rising out of the ashes of the fire, a Phoenix is born and my transformation begins.
I hold gratitude in my heart for all those who had given me the shovel, to dig my way out of the hole I once found myself buried in. I do so along with their words and energies, thrown at me along the way. I hereby release what isn't mine and gift it to Mother Earth to transmute back to love and return to the source energy. I keep what is genuine and authentic, which is LOVE. The rest is mine no more. I release and allow myself to free myself of what no longer serves. I rise above it to a time and a place where I am free and clear; a place where I am living my best (and healthiest) life in all ways.
No more letting the "Chips" of the world take my power away. No more will I let them take digs with their words saying, "You are cute, but you would look better if you lost the slight bulge you are carrying." If they only took a moment to learn my story, they would know that bulge was the extra skin from losing over 200 lbs of weight and not fat, as they may have thought it was.
Words hold energy and power, and all you "Chips" out there can keep yours. Yes, I will keep the lessons, the truth within and all that is mine. I choose to let yours go; it no longer serves me further. Thank you.
Everyone has a story to share: let us remember that. Let us not judge another for the pounds of pain, shame and other demons they may be carrying we know nothing about.
As I sit here, fat and overweight once again, I recognize that I needed to take a step back into the fat suit. I do so to understand, heal, and release the many burdens I have carried throughout my life. After all, the body holds onto memories, traumas and the energy will get stuck in you, causing other health issues. It all has certainly affected me along my journey. Thank God, I am in the process of moving back down on the scale.
Today, I am taking time to listen to the body and honour what it is sharing or requesting along the way. I know this time, the weight release will be different. I am acknowledging the inner demons to give them a voice and allow myself to heal on all levels. This is something, I have not done thoroughly enough in the past. As I do so, I will then begin to soar like a phoenix flying high through the skies, revealing the wisdom carried within all these years.
In the meantime, I apologize to myself and to those I have hurt along the way. I know not what I did, when I came from a broken place and with my filters. You deserve better, as do I. I promise I will try to do better, but I may error along the way. So let us get the apology out of the way now and love each other all the more moving forward. Thank God we have a lifetime to master our lessons and work on improving the quality of our relationships, both with our self and the world at large.
I hope in sharing these words they will help empower another, in their own healing and release of their true nature into the world.
I love and appreciate each of you. Thank you for being a kind and compassionate soul, and for holding the hands of another as you listen to their story. When you do so, you are like a therapist helping another heal from their past traumas to recover a part of themselves lost along the way. Writing is one of my tools of therapy, which assists me in healing.
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Brian D. Calhoun
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